Dear 3:00 a.m.

Dear 3:00 a.m.,

I am going to be firm this time – you must leave me alone. I do not want to see you anymore! I know you are stalking me and if you don’t stop I will be forced to call the police to get a restraining order. I mean it – go away!

I know we had a relationship in the past. In my teens and early twenties I saw you on a regular basis, but that was before I discovered sleep. I’m with sleep now and I don’t want you in my life anymore – why can’t you understand that? What we once had is over. You must let me go – we can’t build a relationship on late night parties, nightclubs and alcohol. You were only a phase – nothing serious.

Seeing you later, when the children were small meant nothing to me. I was only there for them not you. It wasn’t my idea that they pick you to share their feeding time. I swear I wasn’t trying to lead you on; it was merely a coincidence, nothing more. Don’t try to read anything into it. (And the times I met you when Daughter #2 was a teenager and out past her curfew was out of my control.)

I’m in a new relationship now, please respect that. I’m very happy with 6:00 a.m. Our relationship is based on openness and trust, not on sneaking around in the dark and regret. I’ve got a good thing going with 6:00 a.m. – don’t ruin it for me.

I hope I have made myself perfectly clear. I am banishing you from my life. Don’t come back – or so help me God, I’ll be forced to bring in the “enforcer.” I will bring in the Prescription Police, a.k.a. Ambien. So there!