I Did Say Domestically Challenged, Remember?

Since January 26th I have been searching for the instruction manual that goes with my bread machine. Since January 26th the bread machine has been sitting on my kitchen cabinet awaiting its fate. If it could make a nice loaf of bread it got to stay in my household. If it couldn't make a nice loaf of bread it would spend eternity in the landfill or on the shelf at the Goodwill Store until some unsuspecting sap took it home. The search for the bread machine manual was the impetus for cleaning out the lower kitchen cabinets - I was certain it was under there somewhere. I finally bought a box of bread machine mix. I got it home, turned to the instructions printed on the back of the box that read:

Bread Machine Instructions - Add the following ingredients according to your bread machine owner's guide

• 1 cup room temperature water
• Full box mix
• 1 packet yeast (included)

Gee, that helped! So, I got on-line to search for the manual. I discovered that if I had the manual I could sell it on eBay. It appears that I am not the only person to have misplaced the instructions.

By this point I am getting a little mad. How hard can it be to make bread in a machine specially designed to make bread? So I go for it. I mix the yeast with the room temperature water, just as I have seen Big Red do a hundred times when she made bread the old fashioned way. I dump the yeasty water into the bread machine, I dump the packaged mix on top of that. I shut the lid and press "start".

Then my husband says, "Here's an entry on the web that says not to worry about differing machine instructions, just don't let the yeast touch the liquid."

Of course, I am sure he is wrong. How accurate are things on the web anyway? In my frustration I begin looking through the cookbooks on the shelf under the microwave. My husband suggested earlier that I look there for the manual, but I knew it wasn't in such an obvious place. Yep, it was there. I held my breath as I quickly scanned all of the bread recipes. Each and every one begins with the following instructions:

1. Measure all ingredients except yeast into baking pan in the order listed below.
2. Tap the baking pan firmly to level ingredients. Make a depression in the middle of flour and sprinkle the yeast into it, ensuring that the yeast does not touch any liquids.

GREAT! Then, as if to add insult to injury, at the exact moment I have had all hopes of a decent loaf of bread dashed, the bread machine goes into the kneading cycle with a whirring sound. Both of my large, (60 pound) dogs go ballistic protecting me from the bread machine. They don't know what the strange noise is coming from the kitchen, but they are going to be damn sure they keep it at bay by barking ferociously at it.

Dogs have been exiled to back yard and I am awaiting the end of the of the three hour and fifty minute Basic Bread Cycle with visions of Lucy and Ethel's bread baking debacle running through my head.