Silver Linings

Cancer Diary

Silver Linings

When first presented with my cancer diagnosis I believe I was in shock. My journal entry for that day begins with the “f-word” written in four-inch letters. It was hard to imagine anything but doom and gloom on that day. Seven months later, and I’m surprised almost every day by what I call silver linings. I would not have believed on that first day that there could be such a thing as silver linings on this cancer journey.

I just returned from a week in New York, where I experienced so many silver linings I am going to honor them here: 

One Week of Silver Linings: 

• I’m participating in a clinical trial.
• My oldest daughter, son-in-law, and two grandchildren live in New York. What a joy to see them so often. 
• We had smooth travels this trip, which doesn’t usually happen. There were no delays, bad weather, or mechanical issues. 
• My youngest daughter and son-in-law kept our dog so we had no worries about his welfare while away from home. 
• We have lovely (free) accommodations (my daughter and son-in-law’s apartment.) 
• Clinical trial appointments went smoothly. Good blood work results, nice nurses, no long wait for injection. 
• I got to attend a book talk by Kate Bowler on her new book Joyful Anyway, facilitated by former Surgeon General Vivek Murthy. Several celebrity sightings at the event, and good company. 
• A beautiful walk to and lunch at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden. The cherry trees were in bloom!
• The highlight of the trip was going to Carnegie Hall to watch my granddaughter’s All-City High School Choir perform. On diagnosis day I asked the doctor if I would still be alive to attend, he answered, “Hopefully.” 
• Lots of fabulous meals at great restaurants, including my post treatment lunch at a vegan Indian food restaurant, a “famous” hamburger at Peter Lugar Steakhouse, and many Brooklyn eateries. 
• A Sunday brunch at City Winery to see a Beatles tribute band, Strawberry Fields, with my eleven year old grandson who knew all the words to every song and was rewarded guitar picks by the band members. The pure joy he experienced will carry me a long time. 
• Speaking of pure joy - we took my husband Rivian shopping. This is his current favorite automobile and he was like a kid in a candy store. 
• Watching the documentary, Come See Me In The Good Light with my daughter and husband. I’ve wanted to see this for quite some time, and was happy to have a safe space to watch it and cry over it with loved ones. 
• I had the luxury of time to read. I read an excellent biography on John Prine.
• My niece/goddaughter visited and made her famous guacamole to go with our Texas comfort food - tortilla soup. 
• Time with grandchildren just watching them live their normal lives. Gettin ready for school, eating meals, practicing music lessons, etc. 
• Returning home to find my youngest daughter and her friends planted flowers in my backyard flower pots. What a wonderful surprise. 

So many silver linings. They are there for everyone if you just look for them. Having brain cancer has taken so much away from me, but it has given me a new perspective on how to look for the good. There is so much. 

Scanxiety

Cancer Diary

Scanxiety

Scanxiety definition: the intense, often debilitating fear and anxiety cancer patients feel before, during, and after imaging tests (scans). This common, sometimes “universal” experience can cause sleeplessness, racing thoughts, and physical symptoms like nausea. It stems from fear of recurrence or the results, with symptoms sometimes starting weeks prior.

Scanxiety is REAL! 

I had my last scan on Friday the 13th of March. Not an auspicious date for good luck. If you’ve never had an MRI, let me enlighten you. First, NO METAL on your person - no jewelry, zippers, underwire bra, snaps, or buttons. Just trying to find the right clothes and shoes to wear to the scan (so you don’t have to strip down and wear a hospital gown) is stressful. 

Then you are placed in a tube that closes over you, pillows are shoved between your head/body and the tube walls to keep you immobile. Then the fun begins. Forty-five minutes of random loud noise. Typically you are offered earplugs or headphones with music to try to mask the sounds, but nothing can diminish the drone, beeps, clangs, and changing patterns of noise. Halfway through the scan a dye is injected into an I.V. that was “hopefully” successfully placed in your arm before the scan started. Last scan it took five pokes and three nurses to successfully place the I.V. 

Within  a few hours of the scan a message pops up in your patient portal letting you know that you have new test results. Opening the results is useless, because I’m not a trained medical professional and have no idea what the thousands, yes thousands, of pictures of my brain mean. There is a summary written by a trained medical professional, but that doesn’t help. It is written in a medical jargon that the average person cannot understand. Although you can pick out a few words that you understand. Words like tumor, growth, abnormality. I have learned to send the report to my daughter (who is a “semi-trained” medical professional because she has seen every episode of the television show E.R.), who puts it into an AI program to decipher into layman’s terms. No matter what AI tells us, I still have to wait a few days for my oncologist’s appointment to really understand the ramifications of the report. 

My Friday the 13th scan has been reviewed by my radiation oncologist, my main oncologist, and my clinical trial oncologist, Next week I will see the neurologist who consults with my brain surgeon. At this point the consensus is that there is a sesame seed size growth, we will do a short interval MRI in May, and then present to the tumor board for recommendation. So now I get to experience scanxiety awaiting the scan in May. 

In the meantime, I start another round of chemo, travel to New York University Langone Hospital for another clinical trial injection, and wait. I try to pretend life is normal, but that is difficult. I’m grateful for being as healthy as I am, in spite of a terminal diagnosis. I walk 2-miles every day thanks to my friend Susan who won’t take no and just shows up and makes me do two laps at my local park. When she can’t take me, my husband Frank and dog Rocky take me to the park. I nap every afternoon, I eat well. I am thankful that I don’t have many side effects. Fatigue, a slight hand tremor, and vision loss are my biggest complaints. (Oh, and the whole losing my hair thing!) When I go to appointments at the cancer center and see other patients I realize just how fortunate I am and I do not take it for granted.

So, I wait. My next scan is May 12th. I’ll try not to freak out too much between now and then. Every little twinge, headache, or pain puts me into a scanxiey tailspin. Thank goodness my doctors had the foresight to put me on Prozac! 

Update, Mostly About the Weather

Cancer Diary

Update, Mostly About the Weather

2026 has been a whirlwind! During January and February we were in New York three separate times for a total of 32 days. That’s a lot of travel and a long time to be away from home. 

I recounted the first trip and the complications with the first clinical trial vaccine in my last blog. The next three vaccines went smoothly, it was the weather that complicated things. 

On January 23, 2026 we hurriedly rescheduled our flight to New York in order to get out of Texas ahead of the winter storm arriving that day. We were on the last flight out of Dallas before snow shut everything down. We arrived in New York as a winter storm hit that region of the country also. I was grateful to have made it because the second vaccine of my clinical trial was scheduled for 1/27. This was our second trip to New York this year, my first vaccine was two weeks earlier.

Because of family events, or what I like to call SILVER LININGS, we stayed in New York for twenty-two days, thirteen of those days were below freezing. I was able to get to NYU Langone Medical Center for vaccines two and three in spite of the snow and freezing temperatures.

Another silver lining was getting to bring our grandkids home to Lubbock for the week of their Winter Break. It was wonderful to leave the snow and cold and enjoy 70 degree temperatures in Texas. We even had a “good ole” west Texas dust storm. We flew the kids home on Sunday 2/22, and guess what? We flew directly into the New York blizzard! The pilot in Dallas even announced, “This is your last chance to get off of the plane.” We didn’t have a choice. We had to get the grandkids back for school and me there for my 4th vaccine. 

I am very grateful that we made it into New York with no delays or cancellations. The cab ride from the airport to my daughter’s apartment was very “blizzard-y.” The next day the entire city was under a travel ban and schools were closed. New York sure knows how to clean up after a blizzard! We had no trouble taking an Uber to the Medical Center for my 4th vaccine. What a relief. Now that I’ve had what they call the “priming dose,” the every two week vaccines, I am shifting to an every two month vaccine. 

We flew home the next day, in the snow, and very much delayed. We missed our connection in Houston, but were booked on the next (and last) flight to Lubbock. It is great to be home! 

Now what? Monthly chemo, lots and lots of doctor’s appointments, and a scan (MRI) on Friday the 13th that will let us know what this cancer is doing inside my brain. I am very thankful for all of the prayers and good intentions being sent my way. Keep ‘em coming!  

We Put the Trial in Clinical Trial

Cancer Diary

We Put The Trial in Clinical Trial 

Opening statement: I am extremely grateful to be in the clinical trial!

Let me begin at the beginning of our clinical trial journey. One day as I was mindlessly scrolling through Facebook I saw a post written by my daughter’s wedding photographer about a Glioblastoma information session at New York University’s Langone Hospital. (Random, she lives in a small town outside of Lubbock.) 

    Since I had recently been diagnosed with Glioblastoma, and since my daughter lives in New York, I took a screenshot and sent it to her. A few days later she attended the information session which turned out to be on a different/more specific form of Glioblastoma than I have. After the session she randomly had the opportunity to speak to one of the presenting doctors. Guess what? This doctor specializes in my Glioblastoma and is running a clinical trial. Serendipity, God wink, the universe speaking? The doctor gave my daughter her personal cell phone number and asked her to get in touch. 

When we had our first phone conversation with Dr. Miller about the trial we learned that in order to qualify I had to be x number of weeks out from surgery and x number of weeks out from radiation. I met those qualifications. When she asked to gather some basic demographic information and I gave her my date of birth, she commented that I shared a birthday with her mother. Then she said, “I’m saving you a spot.” 

We made arrangements to proceed. A Telehealth video conference was scheduled, an appointment was made for my first clinical trial visit, we were on our way. The final hurdle to being accepted was a post radiation MRI. Even though my radiation oncologist cautioned me that an MRI done so soon after radiation could present false readings we went ahead with it in order to get into the trial. I had my MRI done on a Wednesday, jumped through all of the hoops to get images shared with NYU Langone on Thursday, and flew to New York on Friday for a Monday morning appointment to begin the trial. 

We landed at LaGuardia airport after a long travel day and I was greeted with multiple messages from Dr. Miller’s office informing me that the MRI scans had not been sent. I soon learned that trying to coordinate medical care between two different hospital systems is nearly impossible. It was late on a Friday afternoon and no one seemed willing to help until a bad ass New York nurse performed a miracle and somehow got my scans sent. Hallelujah! I was able to breath a sigh of relief and enjoy the weekend in New York attending my granddaughter’s voice recital and my grandson’s eleventh birthday party. 

Monday morning we left my daughter’s apartment early, took a very expensive 45-minute Uber ride to the doctor’s office in New York City traffic, and presented ourselves at registration. We had to go over lots of bureaucratic red tape consent forms that would normally have scared the crap out of me, but I don’t scare easily anymore. Then I noticed that the nurse was speaking of the trial vaccine in future tense. I stopped her and said, “We are here to get the vaccine today! We are starting the trial today!” The consent form stuff could have been an email or a zoom meeting at the most. The nurse looked a bit sheepish and left to get the doctor. 

Apparently something was lost in translation, or somebody dropped the ball. Somebody screwed up and it wasn’t me! Frenzy ensued as the doctor and nurses tried to make arrangements for me to get the trial vaccine on Monday afternoon. My next option was to get the vaccine at 8:00 a.m. on Tuesday morning. I had a 10:30 a.m. flight. We were advised to go get lunch while they tried to work things out for a Monday afternoon appointment. 

I did get a fabulous hamburger. Mid-way through lunch the nurse phoned to say we had an 8:00 a.m. appointment the next day. At the same moment as her phone call my husband got a message from American Airlines asking if our travel arrangements were flexible and would we like to make changes to our flight at no charge. Yes, please and thank you. 

On Tuesday morning after another early and expensive Uber ride we presented ourselves at the infusion lab. I went back by myself, thinking I’m getting a vaccine and then we’re out of here. A very nice nurse came in and informed me that they had no idea why I was there. There was no paperwork, no consent forms, no lab work. That’s when I broke. 

I had been on pins and needles for weeks jumping through all of the hoops to get into this trial. I’d gone through stress and frustration day after day as I felt like an insignificant cog in the giant medical machine. Just when I thought I was finally winning at some part of this cancer game, the bottom fell out. Yes, I cried. I asked the nurse to get my husband and daughter from the waiting room. When they saw me sobbing they assumed the worst - that I didn’t qualify for the trial. 

Thank goodness for angels masquerading as nurses. My lovely nurse took charge and got everything under control. Consent forms - check. Blood work - check. Urine sample - check. Orders to the pharmacy for vaccine - check. Kind words and sympathy - check. I had to wait two hours for the vaccine to thaw (they keep it frozen), and then stay for observation after the injection, but we got it done. Thankfully we changed our flight home. 

We arrived back in Texas at 11:00 p.m. instead of 3:00 p.m. A small price to pay for a chance at a cure or a time extension. We will be back for the second injection in two weeks. I hope I get the same nurse. 

Happy New Year

Cancer Diary

Happy New Year

I always love the new year. I love a do-over, a chance to recommit to resolutions, an opportunity to imagine a new me. For as long as I can remember I have observed an end of year practice of listing twenty-five things I accomplished in the current year, and twenty-five things I looked forward to accomplishing in the new year. These do not have to be huge accomplishments, some years I counted being a good dog mom or not killing my plants as things I was proud of. Other years there were bigger things - like climbing Mt. Salkantay and trekking into Machu Picchu. This year I was able to count surviving brain surgery and getting through radiation and round one of chemotherapy. 

  The looking ahead part of this exercise is a little different this year. It’s hard to know what I will or won’t be up to tackling. I know I won’t be going to the gym, but I can commit to walking with a friend. I’ve given up my life-long quest for a thinner body, I’m now trying to maintain a slightly higher weight as protection against chemo weight loss. I could try harder to give up sweets, I know I shouldn’t be eating sugar, but I also feel like I should spoil myself with chocolate. Things I will do are drink more water, get more sleep (daily naps have become a thing), spend time with people I love, and practice gratitude. 

I have made my lists. I had almost thirty proud accomplishments in 2025, and I have twenty-three “to-dos” on my 2026 list. I’m leaving the last two spots open for serendipity to strike. The number one spot on my 2026 list is to fight this cancer that so rudely invaded my life in 2025. 

I had a post-radiation MRI yesterday, much sooner than my radiation oncologist recommended, but it is a requirement for the clinical trial. I got the report on the MRI in my patient portal this afternoon. Since I never went to med-school and I haven’t watched E.R. or Gray’s Anatomy I had a hard time understanding the report, but when I read, “No evidence of residual or recurrent disease,” I felt as if I could breathe for the first time in weeks. This means I can participate in the clinical trial at NYU Langone. 

Things are happening quickly. We leave for New York in a few hours and my appointment for the first trial vaccine is on Monday. I’ll explain the clinical trial in more detail in a future post, but it is an immunotherapy trial that is in phase three and on a fast-track to be FDA approved. This gives me so much to look forward to and to be grateful for in 2026. 

I won’t be trekking to Machu Picchu this year, but I do feel encouraged to make plans and set goals now. I still have a long row to hoe, but I have more hope than I did when originally given my diagnosis and prognosis. So, here’s to a happy and healthy 2026 and some major accomplishments that I can list at the end of this year!

My Hair!

Cancer Diary

My Hair!

When I got the news of my diagnosis on September 25th (15 days after my first symptom), the only thing I could focus on was NOT DYING. When presented with possible side effects and/or potential problems, I said I didn’t care. 

The possibility of losing more vision, or even all of my vision, didn’t phase me. I even told the neurosurgeon that if it meant he could get more tumor I had no problem with losing my vision. My attorney daughter scolded me for saying that. “Mom, don’t ever tell your doctor it’s okay to blind you!”

When warned that hair loss was a possibility I think I may have laughed. Who cares about one’s hair when faced with a terminal diagnosis? Well, apparently that would be me. I didn’t think it would matter, but it does.

My hair began falling out on 11/17. I showered and thought, “Oh my, that seems to be more hair than I typically lose when I wash my hair.” When I ran a wide-toothed comb through my hair, huge clumps of long gray hair came out. Two days later I had a wig thanks to the Inside Out Foundation. theinsideoutfoundation.org I’m extremely grateful for all this foundation does, but the wig does not suit me. It is the exact color of my real hair, but to me it screams, “Hey everyone, I have cancer!”

I got an emergency appointment with the wonderful woman who cuts my hair and a friend met me there for moral support. I wasn’t sure if I was going in to get my head shaved or if I was just getting a good haircut. The stylist cut my shoulder-length hair to chin level. I cried when I saw the piles of my silver hair on the salon floor. At least the clumps of hair that came out every day were no longer a foot long. Somehow the shorter clumps were easier to tolerate. 

I soon became adept at the old-man-comb-over. If I could get my hair brushed over the back of my head, I could put on a hat and look fairly normal. I come from a long line of hat wearing women. All of my glamorous aunts wear hats. I have aspired to be like my glamorous aunts and have amassed a collection of hats so large as to require a department store hat stand display to house them all. 

Alas, the hat solution didn’t last long. I’ve lost so much hair from the back of my head, where the radiation was focused, that the comb-over doesn’t really work anymore. So now it’s “cancer hats,” soft skull caps designed to not irritate one’s bald head, cover the baldness, and provide a degree of warmth. These hats also scream - CANCER!

Please don’t misinterpret what I’m saying. I am truly grateful for the radiation treatment I received. I know that “it’s only hair,” but losing my hair made everything real in a way that nothing else had - not even brain surgery. I now carry an outward sign of my illness. I can’t forget or pretend that I don’t have cancer. 

It’s just hair, but it was also part of my identity. My identity as a strong, healthy, active, fun, person. I could pull my long gray hair into a ponytail, go to the gym, and do anything anyone else there could do. I could braid my hair, put on a western hat and go hear live music. I could blow-out my hair, dress up, and go out for an evening with my husband. Now who am I with a mostly bald head and a shit show of a prognosis? 

I’m trying to figure that out. No one is ever the same once they get a “term-limit” diagnosis. I’m learning who I am now. I’m learning that I’m the person who can put on a beanie and go to the park and walk two miles every day. I’m the person who is going to perfect the comb-over and attend a live music performance wearing one of my favorite cowboy hats. I am the person who orders every “cancer hat” on Amazon. I may even be the person who eventually breaks down and shaves her head. Yes, that will scream “cancer” even more, but I may even become the person who doesn’t care about that. We shall see. 

Countdown

Cancer Diary

Countdown

Tonight is my last chemo pill for a month/4weeks/28 days. I’m pretty excited about not scheduling my evening meal early in order to take my antiemetic (aka - anti nausea) an hour after eating and an hour before taking my chemo. Timers have become a big part of my life. I will go back on a stronger chemo pill after the first of the year. Imagine my surprise when I just learned I’ve been on “chemo-lite.” Apparently one is not given the “big ass chemo” while also getting radiation. This is one of many examples of THINGS I DID NOT KNOW ABOUT CANCER. Maybe I was told and just didn’t process this tidbit, or perhaps this tidbit was on a need to know basis? Whatever, I’m excited about getting a month off, but at the same time I'm dreading the full dose of chemo I’ll start after the break. 

I only have two more radiation appointments. On Wednesday I will get to ring the bell. I’ve know about cancer patients ringing the bell - but (and this is a BIG but), I always thought ringing the bell meant one was cured. Silly me. It is a recognition of having completed a grueling treatment. I’m thrilled to be almost finished with radiation and I’ll happily ring the bell even if it doesn’t mean what I thought. 

I will admit that radiation kicked my ass. I have often used the expression of feeling like I’ve been hit by a Mack truck to describe feeling tired. I will admit I have never fully understood that expression. Now I know! I am embarrassed to complain about feeling bone-tired when so many other patients I see at the cancer center are experiencing symptoms that are far worse than fatigue. 

Now that I can see the treatment finish line, what’s next? First I recover from treatment. The timing couldn’t be better. I’m hoping I’ll have my energy back and will be able to fully participate in the Christmas festivities. I’m hoping I’ll be able to fully participate in day-to-day life. 

Second order of business is to figure out my next treatment option. I may have a choice of two options. I am waiting to be assessed for eligibility for an immunotherapy trial. Or I might choose to go with the next “standard of treatment” which is called an Optune Hat. Here’s an internet AI explanation: 

The Optune cap is a wearable medical device for treating glioblastoma (GBM), a serious brain cancer, using Tumor Treating Fields (TTFields) to disrupt cancer cell division. It looks like a mesh or electrode-lined cap worn on a shaved head for at least 18 hours daily, delivering low-intensity alternating electric fields that target fast-growing cancer cells while sparing healthy brain cells. Common side effects include scalp irritation, with benefits shown in extending survival when used with chemotherapy.  

I’ve got a month off to rest, heal, research, and make a decision about next treatment. I will also be spending time with family and friends. Frank and I are planning a beach trip. We are staying in Texas. We had a trip planned to Mexico, but I’m not comfortable leaving the country. I have PTSD from taking my cousin to an alternative cancer treatment center in Juarez, having a medical emergency, and trying to get out of the country and back to the U.S. for medical care. 

I am so grateful to everyone who has held me and my family in their good wishes, thoughts, prayers. I’m grateful for all of the messages and sweet gestures. I am grateful that you are accompanying me on this journey. Let’s countdown together and then get back to enjoying this wonderful life we’ve been given.